Verification Anglais.

As she arrived, I saw the ugliest person I have ever seen. She looks like a bear who had been beaten by a shark. She was over 264 pounds and her noose was like the Cyrano de Bergerac’s. Her mouth looks like the bad man in Batman, Heath Ledger. She used a very red lipstick, which has transformed his mouth into a baleine(???). She introduced her by yelling me: “Hey Joe”! Maybe she was a fan of Jimi Hendrix, but I was sure that my name was (not??) Joey … Lucky Me. I answered her “Hey … "

She was eating something that looked like a dead mouse. She told me that it was foods from “his favorite restaurant”: Mc Donald’s. Now, I know that I was wrong! She didn’t use a red lipstick, it was just ketchup …

After a quick hug, we were looking for a restaurant but I had only one idea in my mind: get away from this ugly rendezvous! We found little restaurant which was called “The Lovers End “. She ordered a “mega pizza”, I just ordered an Orange Juice. As the waiter came back with our order, I drank my Orange Juice in one gulp and, on the pretext that I was ill, I went to the toilets. As I entered the toilets, I saw my way: the window! No, I’m not suicidal, but I just wanted to escape from this “meeting”…


Un peu barré ton truc  
A part le When/As, y'a pas l'air d'avoir trop d'erreurs, même si y'a quelques expressions un peu "enfantine" on dira.

She was eating something that looked like a dead mouse. She told me that it was food from “her favorite restaurant”: Mc Donald’s. Now, I know that I was wrong! She didn’t use a red lipstick, it was just ketchup …

After a speed hug, we walk for a restaurant but I had only one idea in my mind: keep out from this ugly rendezvous! We found a little restaurant which was “The Lovers End “. She ordered a “mega pizza”, I just ordered an Orange Juice. When the waiter came back with our order, I drank my Orange Juice in one gulp and, on the pretext that I was ill, I went to the toilets. When I entered the toilets, I saw my way: the window! No, I’m not suicidal, but I just want to escape from this “meeting”…

C'est pas mal, je pense que t'auras pas trop de problème niveau grammaire.
Juste la correspondance des temps, tu passes un peu trop du passé au présent. Et du prétérit au past perfect.
Voila, sinon c'est pas mal l'idée XD

- ... the ugliest person I had ever seen (antériorité par rapport au passé --> plus-que-parfait)

- She looked like a ... (passé, concordance des temps - simultanéité par rapport au passé, tu es toujours dans le passé)

- like Cyrano de Bergerac's (pas besoin de mettre l'article "the" t'as déjà un possessif par la suite)

- Her mounth looked like (toujours dans le passé)

- She had put on a very red lipstick ("to put on lipstick" assez familier mais c'est mieux que "to use")

- wich had transformed her ... (ce qui avait transformé ou tu peux utiliser le simple past (transformed) mais pas le present perfect (have + participe)

- by yelling at me (to yell AT someone)

- a Jimmy Hendrickx's fan (en anglais, ils sont très friands des possessifs, n'hésite pas à t'en servir)

- but I only had one idea (la place du "only" c'est plus joli de l'intercaler juste après le "I")

- We found a little restaurant ...

- "orange juice" y'a pas de raison de mettre de majuscule

- escape this meeting, je crois qu'il n'y a pas de "from"

- rendez-vous s'écrit comme en français "rendez-vous" avec un trait d'union


Par contre, pour l'utilisation du "when" ou du "as" tu devras aller revoir ta grammaire parce que perso je m'en rappelle plus trop, ton "when" en début me semble pourtant correct... Fin à revoir  

Edit : Dans l'ensemble, je dirais que c'est pas mal. Mais tu dois vraiment faire attention à l'utilisation des temps sinon ça ne veut plus rien dire et on a du mal à comprendre.
Si tu as une hésitation, tape ton expression en anglais dans la barre de recherche google et tu verras si ça se dit ou pas.

Merci a tous le monde , je tacherais de faire plus attention la prochaine fois