Anglais

Bonjour, je viens pour vous demander une petite aide en anglais s'il vous plaît...

Voici deux paragraphes :

We all agreed on the importance of helping girls to make informed choices about their careers and for the need to strengthen the links between the « world of work » and education, so that girls are exposed to a wider range of career options, including occupations that are traditionally seen as « men’s jobs » and which pay more.


Britain is facing increasing competition in the global economy and we cannot afford to waste women’s talent. The commission calculated that if we could increase women’s employment and end gender segregation, the total benefit to the economy would be between 15 billion and 23 billion. Concerted action now will give women a chance to benefit from the 1.3million new jobs that will be created over the next decade and the 12 million that will become vacant. If we can tackle the fundamental problems identified bye the commission, I believe we can make a real difference and start to shatter the “glass ceiling” that has been in place for so long.

Je devais reformuler ces deux paragraphes d'une façon plus simple en quelques lignes pour chaque paragraphe.

Voici mes reformulations:

They want to favour and make easier the insertion of the women in the world of work including on posts not traditionally female.


Women have capacities
To give more careers to the women, would be advantageous for the economy and them.
They should promote the equality of chances between the women and the men.


J'ai eu plus de mal pour le deuxième paragraphe, pouvez vous me corriger si des fautes s'y trouvent, et m'apporter des modifications éventuellement...

merci beaucoup