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Une petite ecriture

Dernière réponse : dans Etudes - Travail

Bonjour,
Voilà j'ai un écrit de 150 mots en anglais et je me suis relus bien des fois mais j'ai des doutes quant à certaines expression que j'ai utilisé. Si quelqu'un pouvait jeter un petit œil sur ce que j'ai fait ça serai super!

Alors le sujet est (intéressant!!): In your choice of a job, will you give greater importance to money or leisure time?

Alors voilà ce que j'ai écrit:

As far as I am concerned, between money and time, I would give importance to leisure time. Indeed, time is very important in a short life like ours. To my mind, we must give a little time to our family and enjoy life (going on holidays for example). Yet, nowadays people give too great an importance to money because they think that too much money can make life easier and comfortable. But I must admit that money do not makes happiness. In my view, we should earn just enough money to be able to live peacefully.
It cannot be denied that a businessman may have anything he wants to: a great car, a big house …. However the relations with his family are rarely good. Indeed, if we give an importance to money, we cannot have free time and vice versa.


Voilà, et merci d'avance.

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deshonest a dit :
Bonjour,
Voilà j'ai un écrit de 150 mots en anglais et je me suis relus bien des fois mais j'ai des doutes quant à certaines expression que j'ai utilisé. Si quelqu'un pouvait jeter un petit œil sur ce que j'ai fait ça serai super!

Alors le sujet est (intéressant!!): In your choice of a job, will you give greater importance to money or leisure time?

Alors voilà ce que j'ai écrit:

As far as I am concerned, between money and time, I would give importance to leisure time. Indeed, time is very important in a short life like ours. To my mind, we must give a little time to our family and enjoy life (going on holidays for example). Yet, nowadays people give too great an importance to money because they think that too much money can make life easier and comfortable. But I must admit that money does not makes happiness. In my view, we should earn just enough money to be able to live peacefully.
It cannot be denied that a businessman may have anything he wants to: a great car, a big house …. However the relations with his family are rarely good. Indeed, if we give an importance to money, we cannot have free time and vice versa.


la seule faute que j'ai repéré...


Voilà, et merci d'avance.

seulement une faute!! vous me flater la!! mais enfaite j'ai qq hesitations sur la partis:
Citation :
a businessman may have anything he wants to:
, je veux dire qu'un buisnessman peut avoir . donc je ne suis pas sur si c'est bien ce que vous comprenez

As far as I am concerned, between money and time, I would give importance to leisure time. Indeed, time is very important in a short life like ours. To my mind, we must give a little time to our family and enjoy life (going on holidays for example). Yet, nowadays people give too great an much [du moins je pense que ça sonne mieux..] importance to money because they think that too much money can make life easier and comfortable. But I must admit that money does not makes happiness. In my view, we should earn just enough money to be able to live peacefully.
It cannot be denied that a businessman may have anything he wants to: a great car, a big house …. However the relations with his family are rarely good. Indeed, if we give an importance to money, we cannot have free time and vice versa.


As far as I am concerned, between money and time, I would give importance to leisure time.
Indeed, time is very important in a short life like ours.
-> pas de S à our : P
To my mind,
->ça me semble maladroit comme expression tu es sur(e) de toi ? Mets plutot une formule type : "For me," "I think that" "On my opinion"
we must give a little time to our family
-> maladroit ... Spend time with our family and enjoy life (going on holidays for example) is vital .
Yet,
-> tu veux dire Encore utilise plutot le modal Still ^^
nowadays people still give too much an importance [On] money because they think
-> tu veux dire qu'il pense trop que l'argent fait le bonheur ? Utilise une adverse : Hardly
Because they think hardly that money can make life easier and comfortable.
But I must admit that money do not makes happiness. In my view, we should earn just enough money to be able to live peacefully.

It cannot be denied that a businessman may have anything (ou what) he wants to: an great expensive car, a big house …. However the his relations with his family are rarely seldom good. Indeed, if we give an importance to money, we cannot have free time and vice versa.

Euh voila ... enfin d'après ce que j'en sais ^^

PS : t'es en quelle classe ? oO

EDIT :

@Darknight09 : je suis allée vérifier les deux sont corrects. ^^
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